After my long 14 hour day I get a text from the mom of the kids saying she is going out later... I stated that I'd rather she didn't go out. And thats where the night began...
First things first. If you are a parent, NEVER argue in front of or around your children! NEVER! It skews their perception of their "safety" and ultimately causes them great harm mentally.
After cleaning up the living room, since it was a mess... no surprise there... the mom was cleaning the carpet upstairs where the dogs have used as their bathroom everyday for the past week or two. I have always been the one left to clean it, but this time I left it. Why am I the one who is always forced into cleaning up after her? I am not the maid, I am also not the damn babysitter where you come and go as you please. Anyways, after cleaning up a little I noticed something very distinct... she wasn't spending ANY time with the kids. It was purely what she wanted to do, and thats it. She cleaned that spot on the carpet, told the 6 year old to clean her room and take a bath etc. But there was no parenting, no love or connection. When I saw the 6 year old sitting in the hallway crying from her mothers be-ration I asked her to come downstairs and I tried to console her by changing the subject and asking for help with something I didn't need help with. She responded positively so I made jokes at my own expense, its easy to make a child laugh that way. Afterwards, I got the kids to bed, tucked them in and kissed goodnight...
Thats when I noticed the mom playing loud music and the TV volume being excessively loud for after 9pm at night... I asked her to turn down the volume as the kids were trying to sleep and started a nice little snowball... First thing, I KNOW she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and Yes I have read several books and many things online. But I don't think that matters when you are talking about how they treat yourself or your children, you will still have feelings and thoughts that are incredibly strong. Of course I said something about the going out, and as expected from a BP, she had an excuse at every turn. A "reason" for everything. She is also trying to "control" me by making threats about the children and financial and legal matters. One syptom of BPD. She acted 100% confidently and spoke with certainty, however, the things she said made no sense rationally. Thats another symptom. "We were never married so I get 100% custody of the children" - FALSE, "I filed an eviction notice to make you leave, you have 21 days to leave and I filed it 2 days ago" - FALSE, " I can take the kids to my moms and you won't be able to see them" Also FALSE. The grandparents have no custody, meaning if you have 50/50 with the children, if you want to see them, you can. No denying that. Also its kidnapping if you are denied. She also confirmed that I did NOTHING wrong and yet she still acted like an ass. The 6 year old walked in during the middle of it all, I shut up and pretended nothing was wrong, speaking to her normally, "whats wrong? you ok?", she hugged her mom and went to bed.... I made sure to maintain a quiet voice and supportive attitude around her.
Well its late, I'm headed to bed. I will be very busy tomorrow. There is a lot to talk about and discuss... Very horrible thing to put your children through. Make sure its your last resort, and make sure you get non-bias third party advice if you ever do separate. Whether psychiatric or an attorney.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Same old stuff... just a different day
I got up at 4am this morning, awoken by my 3 year old banging on my bedroom door. I sleep by myself and the kids' mom sleeps on the couch, mainly because she cheated etc etc. Anyways, I get up and take him to his room and lay him back down for bed. Mind you, this is not an unusual affair. Happens most nights, and she just will not get up. I had to be at work by 630 and since it just snowed, I figured it best to just start getting ready and head out early. I usually get a McDonald's coffee and sandwich as well on my way on the weekends. I was able to come home early today since it wasn't very busy and I had extra PTO I had not used. Got home at 1, no ones home... She was at her moms getting ready to go out so I had her drop off our 3 year old off with me. Its now passed 930pm... still not home. I know she hasn't seen our 3 year old most of the day since she dropped him off at her parents house and went shopping... very responsible...
Well, I decided its time to go do something with my little boy and we went and got his haircut! Not fun. The whole time he kept laughing and moving around saying they were tickling him. Pretty cute but not still at all. And for some strange reason, they had us keep our coats on while I help him for his haircut.... It was HOT. I was sweating like the Sahara in the middle of July. Finally got it done though. I seriously think its been about 6 months since his last haircut. Afterwards I took him to CiCi's pizza to get some, well pizza of course. We ate and played video games for about 2 hours. He would play games that were not working and not care. Don't you wish you were that age again sometimes? We got home about 6 and we played games around the house for hours. Pretty good times! Still managed to do dishes and get 4 loads of laundry done. It would be nice if someone else did something..... yeah..... I got the little one to bed at a decent hour after a bath and such. I'd say I'm pretty exhausted now.
Figured I'd write a couple things down before I head to bed shortly. Number 1: She left cough drops on the table, menthol halls. He started eating them thinking they were candy. Number 2: She left the cooking shears on the coffee table. He wanted to cut things with them but I spotted that quickly. Number 3: I saw some bills around and she is past due, Phone $400, Electric $610. The car payment is due next week, $500, the kids' daycare, $220. The dogs vet bill $200+. But she still has plenty of money to go out with her friends, all day, and go shopping. Sounds pretty irresponsible to me since the electricity is going to get turned off soon. *sigh*
If I haven't said so earlier, I got approved for the house!! I'll finally be able to leave her behind and get away from the crazy... lazy... irresponsible etc. lol I still worry for the kids everyday however. I know she will not be focused on paying her bills or cleaning the house. The house already went into foreclosure once when she didnt pay the mortgage for 7 months, owed over $15,000. Only thing that saved the house was that I gave her all the money I had. I guess its only money after all, but still, that could have been food and clothes for the kids. Thats a lot of waste and a lot of irresponsibility. Its still astonishing that she can go out all day with her friends and party, but she can't spend a day with the kids alone. Doesn't that strike anyone? *sad* edit: it is now 11:10 and still not home and no word. two things 1: great parenting 2: I'm not your damn babysitter! I love having the kids don't get me wrong. Its the being used part I hate. I almost can't wait to show how much of a bad parent she is. if you can even classify her as a parent. She's around the kids less than the people at the daycare. Helloooooo! The kids keep saying they miss their mommy, what the hell do I tell them?
Well, I decided its time to go do something with my little boy and we went and got his haircut! Not fun. The whole time he kept laughing and moving around saying they were tickling him. Pretty cute but not still at all. And for some strange reason, they had us keep our coats on while I help him for his haircut.... It was HOT. I was sweating like the Sahara in the middle of July. Finally got it done though. I seriously think its been about 6 months since his last haircut. Afterwards I took him to CiCi's pizza to get some, well pizza of course. We ate and played video games for about 2 hours. He would play games that were not working and not care. Don't you wish you were that age again sometimes? We got home about 6 and we played games around the house for hours. Pretty good times! Still managed to do dishes and get 4 loads of laundry done. It would be nice if someone else did something..... yeah..... I got the little one to bed at a decent hour after a bath and such. I'd say I'm pretty exhausted now.
Figured I'd write a couple things down before I head to bed shortly. Number 1: She left cough drops on the table, menthol halls. He started eating them thinking they were candy. Number 2: She left the cooking shears on the coffee table. He wanted to cut things with them but I spotted that quickly. Number 3: I saw some bills around and she is past due, Phone $400, Electric $610. The car payment is due next week, $500, the kids' daycare, $220. The dogs vet bill $200+. But she still has plenty of money to go out with her friends, all day, and go shopping. Sounds pretty irresponsible to me since the electricity is going to get turned off soon. *sigh*
If I haven't said so earlier, I got approved for the house!! I'll finally be able to leave her behind and get away from the crazy... lazy... irresponsible etc. lol I still worry for the kids everyday however. I know she will not be focused on paying her bills or cleaning the house. The house already went into foreclosure once when she didnt pay the mortgage for 7 months, owed over $15,000. Only thing that saved the house was that I gave her all the money I had. I guess its only money after all, but still, that could have been food and clothes for the kids. Thats a lot of waste and a lot of irresponsibility. Its still astonishing that she can go out all day with her friends and party, but she can't spend a day with the kids alone. Doesn't that strike anyone? *sad* edit: it is now 11:10 and still not home and no word. two things 1: great parenting 2: I'm not your damn babysitter! I love having the kids don't get me wrong. Its the being used part I hate. I almost can't wait to show how much of a bad parent she is. if you can even classify her as a parent. She's around the kids less than the people at the daycare. Helloooooo! The kids keep saying they miss their mommy, what the hell do I tell them?
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Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hello parent. My name is common sense, have we met?
What do you say to a person that's not only negligent as a parent, but also believes that they are right and they are not doing anything wrong?
Well really I don't have the answer. I keep going over conversations and scenarios in my head but nothing I can think of to say would really make a difference, I believe. I've said it all before and I've said it many times. I mean, what do you say to someone that in a fit/bout of their "crazy" actually wrote a letter signing away their own children? Stating they didn't want them and who would get whom and signed and dated... Now I don't think that holds up legally or anything, I'm just saying the mere notion of doing that seems... well, crazy. I was reminded of that event today and I feel as if it almost haunts me in a way.
Its 1245am right now, do you know where your child's parent is? I sure don't. Shes been gone all day.
She sent a text earlier... "do you mind if I go out after work" and I said "you make your own decision" Obviously since work ended about 3 hours ago that answer is apparent. I feel like the answer I should have given should have been something like, "Why are you asking me such a stupid fucking question! The answer to your question of whether or not I would rather be with my kids or not is always yes and always will be yes! Yes I will be here for them! Yes I will be the one to take care of them! Yes I will always support them! Yes I will always love them! Yes yes yes!" Because what your really asking me is for permission. Permission to shrug your responsibilities. Permission to say that I gave you the "ok" to do what you have been. Well that answer is "NO". No it is not ok for you as a parent to leave the house a mess for someone else to take care of. No it is not ok for only one parent to ALWAYS put the kids to bed every night. No it is not ok to go out with your friends 3-5 times per week and stay out until 3-5 AM. No it is not ok for me to always lie for you to the kids about where your at and what your doing. But you know what? I always will. Because they need their mom. They need her support, her care and love. They need to know that when they bump their heads or scrape their knees that their mommy will be there to show them that everything will be ok. And its sad to know, that she has not been here, and she may never be.... Yes she does have BPD, but is that really an excuse? What am I as the father of two little children to do? Well, its simple really, give them everything I've got... and hope that's enough.
Well really I don't have the answer. I keep going over conversations and scenarios in my head but nothing I can think of to say would really make a difference, I believe. I've said it all before and I've said it many times. I mean, what do you say to someone that in a fit/bout of their "crazy" actually wrote a letter signing away their own children? Stating they didn't want them and who would get whom and signed and dated... Now I don't think that holds up legally or anything, I'm just saying the mere notion of doing that seems... well, crazy. I was reminded of that event today and I feel as if it almost haunts me in a way.
Its 1245am right now, do you know where your child's parent is? I sure don't. Shes been gone all day.
She sent a text earlier... "do you mind if I go out after work" and I said "you make your own decision" Obviously since work ended about 3 hours ago that answer is apparent. I feel like the answer I should have given should have been something like, "Why are you asking me such a stupid fucking question! The answer to your question of whether or not I would rather be with my kids or not is always yes and always will be yes! Yes I will be here for them! Yes I will be the one to take care of them! Yes I will always support them! Yes I will always love them! Yes yes yes!" Because what your really asking me is for permission. Permission to shrug your responsibilities. Permission to say that I gave you the "ok" to do what you have been. Well that answer is "NO". No it is not ok for you as a parent to leave the house a mess for someone else to take care of. No it is not ok for only one parent to ALWAYS put the kids to bed every night. No it is not ok to go out with your friends 3-5 times per week and stay out until 3-5 AM. No it is not ok for me to always lie for you to the kids about where your at and what your doing. But you know what? I always will. Because they need their mom. They need her support, her care and love. They need to know that when they bump their heads or scrape their knees that their mommy will be there to show them that everything will be ok. And its sad to know, that she has not been here, and she may never be.... Yes she does have BPD, but is that really an excuse? What am I as the father of two little children to do? Well, its simple really, give them everything I've got... and hope that's enough.
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Monday, January 3, 2011
Another cold cold night....
I don't like the cold, nope not at all. Snow, yes! Is it just me or is it warmer when it snows? I always feel like its warmer... maybe thats just my imagination.
Its 10:45 right now, and very quiet in the house... Surprisingly dinner was made when I got home but the house was a mess. All the kids' mom did was sleep on the couch, not kidding. Which is not unusual, quite common actually. After getting the little ones to actually eat there food I managed to get some playtime in. Even with my back still hurting from the escapades yesterday haha. All they wanted was for daddy to pick them up and throw them around, play ring around the rosie and carry them everywhere... upside down haha. It was a lot of fun! After play time I got them popsicles, made from real fruit of course, I try to get the healthy stuff. Even if they Love candy, you have to try and steer them in the right direction. While the mom was sleeping and kids were eating their popsicles, I managed to get the leftovers put away, dishes washed, counters clean, random papers and wrappers thrown away, trash out and yes, even the living room looks pretty decent. While I was putting the kids to bed, brushing teeth, changing clothes etc, she decided to leave and go to the "store". Since its now almost eleven and that was at 830... I'm pretty sure she's not where she's supposed to be. Does it really take 2 and a half hours to get... toilet paper? Whacktastic.
Well, I think I've gotten everything done that I can today. I got to get up at 5am again tomorrow like this morning and work my 12 hour shifts, come home at 7pm and do it all over again. I'm hoping for good news tomorrow from the mortgage broker. He said he should have something soon! Can't wait! I can't wait to see what each new day will bring! It's exciting to be so close to being away from her! I really do believe its for the best, everything considered, I think the kids will be quite happy with their happy dad! And as I always have, I will do my BEST!
Its 10:45 right now, and very quiet in the house... Surprisingly dinner was made when I got home but the house was a mess. All the kids' mom did was sleep on the couch, not kidding. Which is not unusual, quite common actually. After getting the little ones to actually eat there food I managed to get some playtime in. Even with my back still hurting from the escapades yesterday haha. All they wanted was for daddy to pick them up and throw them around, play ring around the rosie and carry them everywhere... upside down haha. It was a lot of fun! After play time I got them popsicles, made from real fruit of course, I try to get the healthy stuff. Even if they Love candy, you have to try and steer them in the right direction. While the mom was sleeping and kids were eating their popsicles, I managed to get the leftovers put away, dishes washed, counters clean, random papers and wrappers thrown away, trash out and yes, even the living room looks pretty decent. While I was putting the kids to bed, brushing teeth, changing clothes etc, she decided to leave and go to the "store". Since its now almost eleven and that was at 830... I'm pretty sure she's not where she's supposed to be. Does it really take 2 and a half hours to get... toilet paper? Whacktastic.
Well, I think I've gotten everything done that I can today. I got to get up at 5am again tomorrow like this morning and work my 12 hour shifts, come home at 7pm and do it all over again. I'm hoping for good news tomorrow from the mortgage broker. He said he should have something soon! Can't wait! I can't wait to see what each new day will bring! It's exciting to be so close to being away from her! I really do believe its for the best, everything considered, I think the kids will be quite happy with their happy dad! And as I always have, I will do my BEST!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Its time for quiet....
After finally getting the kids in bed for the evening, not that they don't come down every 5-10 minutes, I have a chance to kick back and relax... ahhh... It's nice to sit down. Although my back still hurts from whacking it on the stair railing haha. I was actually able to get all the laundry done today, yeah! Its nice to have my two drawers full of clothes lol. Its also nice to know that I will only be doing a single load tomorrow.
On another note, after making dinner and feeding the kids I realized something... rice + 3 yr old = very messy floor. And you can just sweep up rice, you have to leave it there for an hour or so until it dries. Then you can sweep it up. The dogs didn't help either.
Another evening alone with the kids. I think the ex expects me to be nice to her or something? I'll be civil if front of the kids and all, but why would I want to talk to someone thats cheated on you 4 times during your relationship? How can you be "friends" with someone like that? Before she left to go do whatever, she was asking "Is it ok if I go? Do you need anything while I'm out?". The whole time I'm thinking to myself, just leave, I obviously don't want to be around you. I don't talk to you and I don't want you to talk to me. Period. I mean what do you expect? We were together for over 4 years, and during that time I did everything! Sure she would cook maybe twice a week at times. But she wouldn't clean anything or do much with the kids unless I constantly said something about it. And anytime I said anything, she would freak out and it would start an argument. 4 years... I can't believe I lasted that long when I think about it.
Well... it's almost over now. I won't have to deal with that anymore soon. I really can't wait to move... so much so that I much just get an apartment temporarily until I save up some money for a down payment on something small. I'd really like something that I can fix up relatively easily. Since I can do plumbing, electrical, gas lines and framing. I feel like it would be a nice project, something to occupy my spare time and maybe I can make a little money from it when I sell. I really hate apartments though... such a pain. The noise, the people, the crummy things you can't change. I really hope this mortgage broker has good news tomorrow...
On another note, after making dinner and feeding the kids I realized something... rice + 3 yr old = very messy floor. And you can just sweep up rice, you have to leave it there for an hour or so until it dries. Then you can sweep it up. The dogs didn't help either.
Another evening alone with the kids. I think the ex expects me to be nice to her or something? I'll be civil if front of the kids and all, but why would I want to talk to someone thats cheated on you 4 times during your relationship? How can you be "friends" with someone like that? Before she left to go do whatever, she was asking "Is it ok if I go? Do you need anything while I'm out?". The whole time I'm thinking to myself, just leave, I obviously don't want to be around you. I don't talk to you and I don't want you to talk to me. Period. I mean what do you expect? We were together for over 4 years, and during that time I did everything! Sure she would cook maybe twice a week at times. But she wouldn't clean anything or do much with the kids unless I constantly said something about it. And anytime I said anything, she would freak out and it would start an argument. 4 years... I can't believe I lasted that long when I think about it.
Well... it's almost over now. I won't have to deal with that anymore soon. I really can't wait to move... so much so that I much just get an apartment temporarily until I save up some money for a down payment on something small. I'd really like something that I can fix up relatively easily. Since I can do plumbing, electrical, gas lines and framing. I feel like it would be a nice project, something to occupy my spare time and maybe I can make a little money from it when I sell. I really hate apartments though... such a pain. The noise, the people, the crummy things you can't change. I really hope this mortgage broker has good news tomorrow...
Strange conversation...
Before I forget, I had an interesting conversation/argument the other day with the ex's mom. So the highlights of that conversation from her: "I took psychology, I know what your thinking, I can read your mind", "The man is supposed to do everything, if a woman doesn't want to help, so what, you do it and don't say anything", "You are like a woman, if she doesn't help you, you complain, like a woman", "I remember everything, and never forget", "You think you are smart, but you're not. I am smarter than you", "Unless you are married, you have no rights to your kids. I looked it up and checked with an attorney."
One of the strangest hour long conversations I've ever had... for some reason, I think her mind may be slipping or something?
One of the strangest hour long conversations I've ever had... for some reason, I think her mind may be slipping or something?
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This is the story of a dish and a spoon...
As I'm washing the dishes and thinking back on exactly how I got here and the course of events that led me to this point, I thought it important enough to write down. I mean, have you ever told a story to someone and no matter what you say they always have this "yeah, ok" attitude? Like the story your telling isn't true. Well, that's exactly why I'm writing some things down....
I just finished washing those dishes in the picture. After getting the kids' lunch and going to see Tangled, which was pretty good btw. Quick sidenote, has anyone noticed the quality of kids movies coming out these days? Pretty decent I'd say. I also did 2 loads of laundry and 2 which were sheets and towels, I don't really count those though, too quick and easy. After the movie I was surprised to see that the dog, which is not mine, had gone to the bathroom on the carpet even though I had taken her out before I left 2 hours beforehand. I can only assume she had to go several times because that was a mess... Some days it feels as if the "work" never ends. It's not about having a house that's spic-and-span, its about having a decently clean and somewhat organized home. Its easier to get things done, remember where things are, it keeps down on dust, germs and sickness, especially when the majority of the time, the kids are playing on the floor... When I lived by myself, before the kids, I would clean every once in a while but it just wasn't really necessary since I didn't use the floor for anything but walking on. I'm just saying, you don't need to be a neat freak, but having a modestly clean home is important, in more ways than one when you have kids.
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