Well really I don't have the answer. I keep going over conversations and scenarios in my head but nothing I can think of to say would really make a difference, I believe. I've said it all before and I've said it many times. I mean, what do you say to someone that in a fit/bout of their "crazy" actually wrote a letter signing away their own children? Stating they didn't want them and who would get whom and signed and dated... Now I don't think that holds up legally or anything, I'm just saying the mere notion of doing that seems... well, crazy. I was reminded of that event today and I feel as if it almost haunts me in a way.
Its 1245am right now, do you know where your child's parent is? I sure don't. Shes been gone all day.
She sent a text earlier... "do you mind if I go out after work" and I said "you make your own decision" Obviously since work ended about 3 hours ago that answer is apparent. I feel like the answer I should have given should have been something like, "Why are you asking me such a stupid fucking question! The answer to your question of whether or not I would rather be with my kids or not is always yes and always will be yes! Yes I will be here for them! Yes I will be the one to take care of them! Yes I will always support them! Yes I will always love them! Yes yes yes!" Because what your really asking me is for permission. Permission to shrug your responsibilities. Permission to say that I gave you the "ok" to do what you have been. Well that answer is "NO". No it is not ok for you as a parent to leave the house a mess for someone else to take care of. No it is not ok for only one parent to ALWAYS put the kids to bed every night. No it is not ok to go out with your friends 3-5 times per week and stay out until 3-5 AM. No it is not ok for me to always lie for you to the kids about where your at and what your doing. But you know what? I always will. Because they need their mom. They need her support, her care and love. They need to know that when they bump their heads or scrape their knees that their mommy will be there to show them that everything will be ok. And its sad to know, that she has not been here, and she may never be.... Yes she does have BPD, but is that really an excuse? What am I as the father of two little children to do? Well, its simple really, give them everything I've got... and hope that's enough.
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Just keep doing what you're doing. Take one day at a time. And document, document, document. Write everything down - you may not need it, but if you do, it will be easier knowing you've written down dates, times, and events. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly what the lawyer said. Fortunately I have kept copies of most everything and I definitely have her hand over fist if she were to fight. I'm pretty certain she knows that as well since we've talked about it before and she had nothing to say when I said I would keep the kids 100% of the time if she hits me again. Hopefully this house I'm looking at or something similar will come through and we can be done.
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